Quitter

I quit smoking. There...I said it.

Funny, I had to take drugs to stop my addiction to a drug. Go figure...the universe is funny that way.

I have been a smoker for the last 12 years. It hasn't been easy being cool for that long, what with all the lung hacking and smelling. But I wore that badge with pride, and I will be completely honest with you. I miss smoking. I liked it. I just didn't like the way it made me feel when I woke up in the morning.

And I have every intention of taking up smoking again when I turn 50 (they say that by then, all the damage I have done will be reversed...it will be like starting over).

Of course, there are other benefits to quitting. For example, quitting now will prevent me from having to quit when I get pregnant and really hate the world because there will also be getting uncontrollably fat, ankles swelling, and breasts leaking... I'm just thinking ahead here, because that sounds like it might be a recipe for disaster.

So as part of quitting, I have to write a goodbye letter to cigarettes…as if they are the dark half of an abusive relationship…who am I to question therapy. Here is what I am supposed to talk about:

Memories:
Hmmm…the memories I have of cigarettes have to do with all of the self-righteous non-smokers telling me how bad smoking is…as if I was too stupid to know all of this already from the 1, 200,000 other non-smokers who must have a dire need to tell every smoker they see how bad it is for them. REALLY!?!?! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I DON’T KNOW!?!?!? You are stupider than you look. Please excuse me while I blow smoke in your face.

What smoking has cost me:
If I am going to be completely honest…smoking didn’t cost me anything that I obviously wasn’t already willing to give up…or else I wouldn’t have. Period.

Personal Reasons for Quitting:
Please see above

How my health may have improved since quitting:
Unfortunately, I can smell much more than before. This is not the blessing you might think it would be…and let’s just leave it at that.

There it is…my good-bye letter. So goodbye cigarettes, parting is such sweet sorrow. But in case your wondering...my 50th brithday party is going to ROCK!!